Saturday, January 7, 2012

Finding Moments of Unexpectedness

I am laid off. I have been laid off for seven months today. I am trying to find the silver lining in this, but the silver lining in the overall big picture scheme is eluding me. I am sustaining myself by finding little moments of unexpectedness.

Yes, the overarching unexpectedness is that I thought I would be back to work by now. I thought that one of the way too many resumes I sent out would have at least garnered me a return phone call. But that has not happened. I have only received the rebuke of "While your qualifications are impressive, we have found another candidate that fits our needs."

I am find myself sighing a lot. I am unaware that I am holding my breath until it rushes out in a long forceful sigh. I am holding my breath. Waiting. Waiting for the release from this suspended animation, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for a door to open. Waiting.

It is hard to live so on the edge all the time. I am tired, fatigued, drained but sleep eludes me. I am finding I am afraid of the dark. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of falling into the abyss.

My failure is not something on which I want to dwell. I know deep down that I did nothing that warrants the term "Failure"-- I know that I am not a failure. I know this. And yet...

I have found myself at loose ends. I am in a perpetual state of waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for something to break the monotonous routine of being laid off and having nothing really to do.

I am waiting.

I am open, though. I open to those moments of unexpectedness. I am now free to say yes if my nephew calls up one day during the week before Christmas and asks if I would like to go to Disneyland. I am home, not at work, and I have the option -- no, the privilege of saying yes. Why, yes, I would like to go to Disneyland.

If I had been working, like my sister was and therefore could not go, I would not have been able to ride Pirates of the Caribbean with my nephews and somehow gotten completely soaked. I think they planned it. I would not have been able to have lunch with them at Club 33. I would not have been able to spend part their Christmas break with them.

I would have been working. By all rights, I should have been working. But I was not. I was laid off, seven months ago.

I am now on the lookout for the moments of unexpectedness. Those spontaneous, unplanned, out of the blue moments. The moments that sneak in and allow me to say Yes.

Because I can. Because I am not working. Because I seem to have all the time in the world.

© pranaknits

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Breaking New Year's Resolutions

I really don't make New Year's resolutions, but I was put on the spot by my youngest sister on New Year's Day. I had called her to wish her a Happy New Year and then she asked what my resolution was going to be. I blurted out the first thing that came to me--Stop Drinking Diet Coke. The time of this resolution was 3:15 pm. By 4:45pm, less than an hour and a half later, I was drinking a glass of Diet Coke.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Afternoon Walk

I took a break from visiting with my nephews this afternoon to take my dog Marlowe out for his afternoon walk. With the time change, we have been getting our walks in earlier and earlier. We used to walk around five o'clock, but now with the sun fully behind the mountains by 3:30 and darkness setting in by four, we are now walking around 3 o'clock. I have gotten used to the sun. Growing up in Southern Oregon and living in Southern California I have come to expect the sun. Cloudy, rainy days are so rare that they are celebrated.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

David Bowie and Bing Crosby

I got a call from a friend this morning and during our conversation he asked me if I was ready for Christmas. I answered I wasn't. I spent most of yesterday frantically knitting trying to finish up Christmas scarves and blankets. I have visions of my sisters getting their scarves with the knitting needles still attached. When they ask about it, I'll just say that the needles are a... decoration, that's it, a decoration, like a broach. Yeah, I won't get away with it.

I am not ready for Christmas. It doesn't feel like Christmas yet. Maybe when the nephews come home from college it will. But ever since moving down to California from Oregon, Christmas hasn't really felt like Christmas without the changing of the seasons. Without that first snow on Halloween to herald the coming of winter. But I suspect there's more to it than that.

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Morning Wake-up Call

I woke up this morning, not to the usual lick in the face by my dog Marlowe, but the cawing of a raven outside my window. I often encounter ravens on my walks, but I had yet had one so close to my bedroom window before. The sound was not a frightening one, like one out of a Poe poem. I did not feel that sense of dread. To me it was more friendly--it brought a smile to my face. Hey, wake up sleepy head.

Last week I must admit I was lazy. I didn't feel like getting out of bed until it was absolutely necessary. When the requirements of either Marlowe's or my bladder called to roust us out of the warmth of the covers. I didn't feel like doing much of anything. Yes, we had the field trip to Salvation Mountain, but on the whole we didn't do much else.

Friday, December 9, 2011

La Haine and The Vintage Caper

In my post This Is How You Begin to Put the World Back Together, I talk about the mail to be sorted, the books to be finished, and the Netflix movies gathering dust. This week I decided to wipe the dust off a movie and finish at least one of the many books I have in progress. The movie is La Haine and the book is The Vintage Caper, by Peter Mayle.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Road Trippin' Blues

It was time for a road trip. I have decided that I have not stayed true to the mission statement of the blog, or the mission of statement of what I wanted to do with my time while in between jobs. I wanted to travel, I wanted to try new things, I wanted to do the things that I said I wanted to do but didn't have the time to do before because I was working so hard.