The Wide Open Door

I was thinking some more about Seattle, about traveling, about freedom. I was thinking of that lunch with my nephew and the thought that as much as I am enjoying having him home from school, he will be going back. This is not his home anymore. Was this ever really my home? I moved down here to be closer to family, to my sisters, to my nephews, to my mother, to move because that is my pattern. I don't know that I would have chosen to move here, specifically, if family ties did not pull me here.



I have enjoyed living here. I have enjoyed working here. I have made a life for myself here. But a Rumi quote flitted across my consciousness this morning: Why do you stay in prison, When the door is open so wide?

With the work ties severed, with the nephews now grown and away at school, I am now no longer tied to this place. I can choose the place I want to live. I can decide for myself, by myself, where I want to live--the door is wide open. I must admit this is probably the first time in my life I have had the freedom to choose where I want to live that is not dictated by someone else's wishes. Yes, I moved down to Southern California by myself, but it was at the urging of my mother. I did not put up much of a fight. I wanted to move to be closer to my family who had all moved down here, that was the goal, the geographical location had nothing to do with it. But now it does. I can literally live anywhere in the world I want to.

Again, as before, freedom in the guise of too many choices can actually bog you down until no choice is made. For now, I am acknowledging the awareness that I don't have to stay here. I can consider moving. I can consider what I want to do, what I want to be when I grow up, where I see myself living. What does that look like? I have not let myself dream in such a long time. I have stifled those dreams inside, I stuffed those dreams so far down, I don't know that I even know how to dream anymore. I have made a prison of those dreams.

Finding my way out of that prison will be part of this recovery, finding my way out of the wide open door and seeing where it leads--now that's an adventure.

© pranaknits