It's the beginning of the third week of trying to fill the days. I am finding that sleeping is a good thing, and I am sleeping a lot. I don't know if this is an avoidance response or if I am truly that tired. Perhaps it is a combination. I had only been sleeping about six hours a night before, and for years. So this is a chance to catch up. I am enjoying the afternoon naps, just a brief lie down. I don't know if it is because I can, because I am tired, or because I am bored. I am genuinely tired. I have been--or had been--pushing myself to the limit. Even my sister noticed it on our vacation in Kauai. She commented on my driving skills, and lack of reflexes. I was not as sharp as I usually am. Toward the end of the trip, after all the de-stressing that only Hawaii can bring, I was back on track. But then, unfortunately I was also back at work and the stress was back.
I am still walking up at the proper "get out of bed and get ready for work" time. But I am enjoying the roll over and go back to sleep feeling. That is unless I get the wake up lick in the face from Marlowe. Even after all this time with him, I still have not come to expect that wake up call. On those mornings, we get up and go for a long walk. Depending upon the heat, summers here can send us both panting in a matter of minutes, our route will vary. Lately it has been around the block on the shady and grassy side of the street. Where he can chase out a roadrunner or two. Marlowe thinks he can race the roadrunner, and win. I admire his confidence, I don't have the heart to tell him he'll never beat a roadrunner.
After our walk, we have gotten into a routine as well. It grew out of my going to Starbucks on the way into work. My local Starbucks is not a drive-through. In fact there are no drive-through restaurants near me, I have to drive closer to the free-way. I still wanted a coffee, and it was a way to fill up the day's time, and we were hot, so to accomplish two things at once, we got in the car-- the air conditioned car-- and drove down to the Starbucks.
Marlowe now thinks that this is what we do after every walk.
Every time we go for a walk, I take him off his leash and he'll wait patiently in the garage by the car. I have to either give in or entice him into the house with chicken treats. He likes traveling, he likes being my co-pilot. I think he gets a sense of immediate companionship sitting in the passenger's seat. He wears his safety belt, he knows the rules. He knows he has to sit and not walk all over the place. He takes his job very seriously. He'll sometimes have this intent gaze that rally drivers will have, like my driving will depend upon his knowledge of the road. Other times he'll be happy and carefree. Having him in the car is a great joy.
This is one way that we are filling our days. Taking naps. Going for drives. Going through drive-throughs. I have not yet figure out what to do with all this time. I had always wished that I had more of it, more time to read, more time to sleep, more time to spend with Marlowe. More time. I am finding that I am living in a vacuum of time. I am on my own clock, a clock that is separate from the external world. I can get up when I want, I can go to sleep when I want. I am becoming more and more detached from the world in which I moved, in which I placed so much stock and faith. The world in which I existed. My moorings are truly becoming loose and I am drifting away from the pier, away from the world in which I was so heavily anchored. This is not unlike the feeling I had on vacation, the stripping away of the everyday, back home world. But there were still timetables to keep, reservations made, the realization that in the end vacation time was make-believe time and that it would all come to an end. The real world beckoned and nagged, no matter how hard you tried to silence it.
For me, now, this is my real world. I do wish that I was still on vacation, someplace cooler, some place different. Yes, perhaps, it is still an escape, like taking an afternoon nap. I do like to travel. That is something I can do with my time-- take some trips, travel. Not as an escape from, but as a moving toward.
I must say, though, I do wish that I was back on Shipwreck Beach in Kauai where it wasn't so hot.